Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

In honor of today, October 15th which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I wrote a letter to the baby I lost this past February. 

Dear Peanut,

It's been 8 months since we officially said goodbye. But not a day passes that you don't cross my mind and I wonder how life would be if you were here today. Daddy and I tried for 6 months to make you and we were lucky enough to find out December 23rd, 2009 that we finally succeeded. We were surprised but very excited to hear the news about you.

When I had my first ultrasound, we thought you were a lot bigger than you ended up being. But I kept hope that everything would be ok and waited each week for an ultrasound to find out. After a month of waiting and periodic ultrasounds, we recieved our answer.

Something was wrong when you were developing and you were absorbed into Mommy's body, but her belly kept growing as if every thing was ok. The dr called it a Blighted Ovum pregnancy. I had accepted that we had probably already lost you before we found out for sure, but when the remaining tissues from your short existance finally left my body it was too much to handle.

I didn't think it would hurt me as much as it did because I thought I had prepared myself for losing you. I felt like I did something wrong and I didn't understand why this happened to us. I cried almost every night for you for weeks once you were completely gone.

I still have all of the photos from the ultrasounds where we watched and hoped that you would appear in my belly, they are tucked away but I'll never forget what they look like. I had even bought you a security blankie, since we thought you were bigger when we first found out the day before Christmas Eve. I considered giving it to your big brother when I found out that you were gone, but I saved it and I am going to give it to the little brother or sister you will have. I hope they cherish it as much as I know you would have.

You would be a month and a half old today, if you had not left us. You were due to enter our lives September 8, 2010 but instead you left us on February 18, 2010. I hope you are looking upon us and know that I love you so much even though you can't be here with us. You may be lost, but you will never be forgotten.

Mommy will always love her little angel, Peanut.